Ever since I got my period,
It became a defining factor in my life.
My life wasn’t life anymore,
It became a cycle
A cycle of -
“OH MY GOD, I didn’t get my periods”, and
“Why are you early this time?”
I started planning vacations in a certain way,
So that they are perfect, without a blot of red.
I started segregating under wears,
Some for those days, some for the rest.
I started sleeping in strange positions,
So that there is no laundry early in the morning
I started to understand what mood swings are
It went somewhat like
Sad. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Happy. Murder. Sad. Sad. Happy.
And they all teach you to learn to live with it,
And since you don’t have a choice, you learn.
You go on to live your life - cycle.
You forget, that there ever was frustration or hate,
Or the feeling of being wronged.
You go through bad days, terrible days, PMS, they call it.
You feel tired, but you don’t give up, because you have forgotten.
You feel angry, but at yourself, because you don’t remember.
You feel sad and overwhelmed, but you don’t react, because there is no reason.
And then comes the meltdown, when you, well, melt down.
You curse your life, you curse your inabilities,
You are appalled by yourself,
You regret being unproductive,
You blame everyone, but not what is to be blamed.
And I am so scared to say this out loud,
Because no-one wants us to remember that we bleed,
And how our body goes through millions of changes,
And how we feel different,
And why am I even complaining since every woman goes through this?
Because I feel it, not as a woman, but as an individual,
That it’s not just the society that has been unfair to me,
It is also nature and science and for those who believe, god.
And I want to remember that, because if I strive and survive, I feel stronger,
Because I not only made it through, but made it through despite
- Kokila Srivastava